October 2008

Barack H. Obama for the Win

Tuesday, October 14th 7:01PM Dear Diary, Have had brilliant revelation on how to increase fundraising. Brainstormed popular reasons to give money away and came up with list: 1) Breast cancer 2) All other cancers 3) HIV/AIDS 4) Sick children 5) Africa Ruled out causes #2-5 as have not had cancer like John, majority of HIV sufferers part of supportive voting bloc, Michelle refuses to pretend that Sasha has leukemia, and do not wish to call attention to own African roots. Focused on cause #1: breast cancer. Looked at ways to emulate breast cancer fundraising and came across effective Susan G.

Joe Six-Pack Raring to Go

Monday, October 13th 8:35pm Dear Diary, 22 more days until the election. Crazy to think that I’m so close to getting in the White House. Concerned that McCain, Palin, and the rest of those guys are going to increase the swift-boat attacks, but hopefully independents won’t buy that. They should know that Barack and I are the best guys for them. Palin may try to appeal to the people she calls “Joe Six Packs.” But I am a Joe Six Pack! I actually came from these areas and know what they’re dealing with. And my name is Joe! I can’t see how much clearer that gets. But speaking of these swift boat attacks, I don’t know why they won’t let me be more of an attack dog for the Democrats. Isn’t that the job of the Vice President during the campaign season? I get to say some things, but everything has to be approved. Puh-lease. I am great with people during speeches.

Batboy probably "came from monkeys" too

Monday October 13, 2008

5:52 PM

Dear Diary,

Disappointing news—John asked for plastic surgeon’s number for Joe Lieberman, not for self. Went on and on about how Joe L. could use face lift. Told him that somebody should look in mirror but don’t think he heard me, as J has not remembered to wear hearing aid much lately. Uncertain if this due to actual memory lapses or to avoid hearing what campaign manager tells him about current polls.

Phone ringing—it’s Meghan!

Obamas on Top

Monday, October 13th 8:02pm Dear Diary, I am outraged! The nerve of McCain’s advisors to think that they could go after someone like me. This swift-boating is getting ridiculous. Do they really think that attacking me is going to get him elected?! If anyone should be attacked, it’s Cindy McCain! SHE’S the one who’s addicted to pain killers, and she stole them from her own nonprofit organization! Who is more fit to be the First Lady? And don’t get me started on Sarah Palin. That woman is a walking disaster. So for them to attack me for working at the same law-firm as Ayres wife?! They will stop at nothing. Thank god the media loves me. Just saw clips of myself at rallies in Minnesota. Damn, I am good. There’s a chance we can win this state, and I am doing everything I can do to get it. Not just to get Barack elected. I don’t want that Cindy in the White House.

Scranton Speech a Success!

Sunday, October 12th 11:02pm Dear Diary, Well, I rocked my speech in Scranton. They loved me. Of course, I had a tough act to follow with Bill and Hillary Clinton giving the preceding speeches. Especially Hillary. That speech was vice-presidential. Presidential, in fact. Can’t help but wonder how this campaign would be going if Hillary was running for president. Wonder if she would have picked me to be a Vice-President? I’m just glad to be on the ticket. One way or another. But my speech was amazing. And if it doesn’t help to sway Pennsylvanians, or inspire them to persuade their undecided friends and family… I just don’t see how that can’t happen. Come on, these guys are smarter than that! These are real people, dealing with real problems, and I understand them. Hell, I was from Pennsylvania! If Pennsylvania goes Republican… Well, it can’t. I can’t imagine how anyone with family members fighting overseas can vote to keep them in harms way. Especially my son… I can’t lose another son.

Biden Begins

Saturday, October 11th 11:56pm Dear Diary, Well, after hearing that everyone else has a secret diary, I decided that I shouldn’t miss out on all the fun. Plus, I’ll probably use some of the great stuff in here for my personal memoirs. Hard to believe that we’re less than four weeks away from the election. Should have been my election, but I’m not bitter…anymore. Those Democrats knew they needed experience on the ticket, one way or another. Well, after this country sees the kick-ass job I do in Washington, they’ll be sure to elect me after Barack serves. Wish I could be more involved in the campaigning. Had high hopes to be the Democratic attack dog, but apparently the advisors aren’t up for it this year. Too bad, since the Republicans certainly have a pit bull on their hands. Can’t believe she actually lets the crowds call Barack a terrorist and then say, “Kill him!” But hopefully the media will comment on this, and it will come back to bite the pit bull.

Cover-ups Galore

Sunday, October 12 10:13am Dear Diary, Well, the election is 23 days away, which means that weâ??re entering the home stretch. Good thing, too. I can tell Sasha and Malia are tired of life on the campaign trail, and just want our family life to get back to normal. Though it will be interesting to see how normal family life can be in the White Houseâ?¦ Went to the gym yesterday. Grabbed a magazine with some gossip about Palin advertised on the cover. Looked interesting and probably all true, so obviously I wanted to read it. But somebody had ripped out all the pages with her in it! Couldnâ??t believe it! And was seriously disappointed, since I was looking forward to some satisfyingly scandalous stories. And who rips out pages of a magazine?! Thatâ??s desperation right there. Canâ??t stand to read the truth. Resorting to last ditch attempts to shield this information from the public. But itâ??s getting out anyway.

Racism Revealed

Saturday, October 11 12:05am Dear Diary, Whew, what a week! After the debate, the Daily Show, and going on Larry King Live, I’m looking forward to finally settling in my role as First Lady. Discussed Barack’s campaign with Larry King, and rocked it. Pity I can’t run for President right now... Of course Larry brought up John’s “That one” comment. Hard to pretend I wasn’t insulted by that comment, not to mention John’s tone during the whole debate. Still, must not play race card unless absolutely necessary. Seems like Barack has this election in the bag, so we agreed it’s best to stay positive. Still… Very creepy to hear about McCain and Palin’s rallies. To think that they would condone comments like “Kill him,” while referring to Barack. I had hoped our country has come farther than this. Would use the race card, but since enough people in our country are also disturbed, we can let them to the talking. Malia asked me the other day when I was going to be president.

All's fair in fashion

Friday October 10th

7:43AM

Dear Diary,

Up late last night intently studying latest interviews with Michelle Obama (John generally incapable of staying awake past 8, beginning to suspect is resorting to heavy narcotics for these 9pm debates). Grey Goose drowned out actual discussion of issues blah blah blah, but not to fear, was paying critical attention to what clearly matters most to American people in these troubling times: what she was wearing!!

On Larry King Live: Michelle chose purple frock; points for choice of color, as purple DEFINITELY in this season. However, deductions for odd feathery clip on left side. Overall, give Michelle B-. (Also, how is Larry King older than John but still has a neck?)

cleanliness NOT next to godliness

Thursday, October 9th 3:07PM Dear Diary, John suspicious about my refusal to shower since the debate. Luckily he bought excuse that hair is over-peroxided and would melt in water. In actuality, can’t explain it myself…all I know is when John passed me off to Barack (J had to stumble out of room for boost of new “energy drug”. Has been very vague about its properties. Suspect no one trusts me around anything stronger than children’s Tylenol) Barack gazed deeply into my blood-shot eyes and said “How very nice to see you again, Mrs.

THS Miss Alaska

Thursday, October 9th

6:06AM

Dear Diary,

Cindy says I need to stop complaining about Liberal Media Elite (direct quote: “OH be quiet, you crotchety old geezer,” then she mumbled something about hair plugs, but didn’t have my hearing aid in). But how can I keep quiet when media is just SO unfair?? Quite tired of them questioning choice of Sexy Sarah Governor Palin as running mate. Want to debunk prevailing theories concerning her selection:

1) Am not senile. New memory and energy supplements working quite well, thank you. Fingers crossed can hold out on dementia till elected to second term, then mental condition can deteriorate at will. And bonus: can claim to be following tactics of Ronald Reagan!

Path to the Presidency

Friday, October 10th 12:30am Dear Diary, Have decided to start own diary after hearing about Barack’s. Heard his is guarded by a password, but that’s nothing that a Harvard grad can’t figure out. Surely, some combination of “hope” and “change” can unlock its secrets. Plus, I deserve a bit of privacy after being vetted more closely than Sarah Palin. To begin…Woken up by Malia crying because everyone knows names of Sarah's children, but no one knows about her and Sasha. Explained it was because of tender age, but was countered with argument that Bristol isn't much older. Had no response, so am thinking of ways to get media attention for children without resorting to teen pregnancy or alcoholism. If only were old enough for drug addiction as have heard is effective way of getting attention. Perhaps fashion line instead? Will run idea by David. Watched the clip of myself on The Daily Show last night. Surprised to find Jon Stewart so short.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Wednesday, October 8th

12:02AM

Dear Diary,

Am beginning to keep a diary, as therapist says having a place to record my inner turmoil is only way I’ll be able to get through election without turning back to prescription medication. She doesn’t know what’s in my glass of “ice water”—Ha! That’s how I sleep at night.

"That One"

Wednesday October 8th

5:30AM

Dear Diary,

Oh dear lord. Am so tired of Liberal Media Elite claiming everything I say to Mr. Junior Senator is “condescending”. Don’t they know I’m a maverick, not some Washington good ol’ boy who patronizes their infinitely less qualified opponents? And comparing my comment to Clinton’s? Inappropriate! Resent any comparison to Bill; would never cheat on my wife with much younger woman…I mean, never again.

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