October 2008

Publicity Stunts

Sunday, October 19 8:40pm Dear Diary, Am relieved to see that Sarah Palin did not get as much time on SNL as I had expected. In fact, she hardly said or did anything. And for her big spiel at the end, she had Amy Poehler rapping her part. Pathetic. I would have done it. Rapping can’t be too hard, right? Should look into this for next campaign move… In other news, just came out with big statement where I talked about how racism will be a big issue in this election. It's been said before, but I needed to say it too. Haven't had a lot of time in the spotlight lately, so felt this was the best way to say something shocking and hopefully profound. Am hoping it will be reported in significant papers as insightful… Also hoping that it doesn’t lead people to not vote for Obama after reading that… Did not clear statement with David, but am hoping it will encourage others to go out and vote. Beginning to sound like Obama with all this "hope" in my diary... Until next time, Joe

Husbands on TV

Sunday, October 19 9:45am Dear Diary Sighâ?¦ Another Saturday night passed without a date. Isnâ??t quite as big of a deal now that Iâ??m married, but itâ??s high time Barack took me out. And not just for some campaign-publicity stunt. Decided to watch appearances of Biden and McCain on Jay Leno and David Letterman. Well, I guess Biden did ok on Leno. He made such a big deal about how Joe the Plumber and Joe Six-Pack were taking up too much media attention, and that he wanted more. Well, look. At least heâ??s on Jay Leno! I certainly havenâ??t had the chance to go on Jay Leno. And in my opinion, Joeâ??s gotten a lot more media attention than I have, so why is he complaining? Honestly. But the way that McCain talked about how “proud” he was of Sarah Palin… Well, I just thought that was insulting for any woman! She’s going out and doing her job, and McCain has to talk about how proud he is, as if she couldn’t do it otherwise?

Power of Publicity

Saturday, October 18 10:42am Dear Diary, Am greatly looking forward to seeing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live tonight. Going to be Sarah Palin imitating Tiny Fey mocking Sarah Palin. Should be hilarious. Wish I could be on SNL too, but am relieved to know that they don’t want me to look too bad before election. Unless it’s because they don’t think I’m funny enough, or not a popular enough celebrity… No, that’s ridiculous. I was on the Jay Leno show. And even if they didn’t think I was funny enough, at least people will remember me in a year, since it looks like we’re going to win solidly. I predict that in a year, Sarah Palin will disappear into obscurity. Unless her cases of unethical conduct keep surfacing… But yes, does appear that we’re really going to win this election! Barack had an amazing rally in St. Louis with 100,000 supporters!

Wives in Print

Saturday, October 18 11:30am Dear Diary, Quite interesting to read about Cindy McCain in the New York Times. At first didn’t think much of this rich woman, who stole John away from his first wife who’d waited on him while he was a POW. But now that the womanizer has taken up with another woman, I just feel sorry for her. Who can blame her for wanting to stay on the beach in a high-rise condo. I certainly wouldn’t want to be stuck on an Arizona ranch in the middle of nowhere. But, since McCain isn’t a “beach person,” he won’t even live in the same state with her. Nevertheless, to compare herself to Diana, Princess of Wales, is laughable.

Move over Joe the Plumber--the REAL star of the debate

Friday October 17th


Dear Diary,

Although still distraught over Madonna divorce, have recovered enough to discuss most essential aspect of final debate…FASHION!!!

Knew all along clothes for this debate of UTMOST importance, as is final statement to American public about personal styles of potential First Ladies. And as any good fashionista knows, in situation like this you’ve got to take fashion risks; be a style maverick. And, I’m pleased to say, I think I hit this one out of the park. Chose military-themed skirt suit to emphasize husband’s war hero past, and deep orange because it matches spray-on tan. Though don’t know why John ruined every picture by sticking tongue out; is like dealing with a five-year-old sometimes.

Dear Dave: I didn't have to show up at all, you little jerk

Friday October 17th


Dear Diary,

Forced by Rick to appear on Late Night with Letterman and apologize for skipping previously scheduled appearance, as absence somehow presented "deep insult" to public. It seems skipping Letterman of more consequence to American People than solving financial crisis, or zipping over to Miss Alaska Governor Palin’s interview with Katie couric to give Sarah new cue cards before she destroyed campaign altogether.

Can Late-Night Talk Walk the Walk?

Friday, October 17 9:45am Dear Diary, The results of Joe the Plumber's authenticity are as much as we all expected. Not only is he not a licensed plumber, his name isn’t even Joe – it’s Samuel. Should have known that a real Joe wouldn’t have interfered with the entire debate. And he owes back taxes. Watched the clip of myself on the Jay Leno show this morning. Sure sounded good, except for the gaffe, which I couldn’t help but laugh about. In a different speech, I actually said that the number one issue facing the middle class was a three-letter word: jobs. Oops. At least the audience could see that I didn’t take myself too seriously. But I did have to talk about Joe the Plumber and Joe Six-Pack. After all, they’re hoarding all the media attention, and one of them isn't necessarily a real person! I want some publicity too!

Over the borderline

October 16th, 2008


Dear Diary,

Sad, sad day. End of an era, really. Have been wearing black in mourning for culmination of long, wearying journey; the facades kept up, the lies told. At least now that it’s over we can end the accusations, the rumors, the facetiousness…

Dear me! John just got on bus and yelled that I had campaign staff in a tizzy; apparently staff thought mournful behavior sign J giving up race before he slid any further in the polls. John said no need for me to wear black and cause scene, dissolution of Madonna’s marriage “not really that big deal”.


Does he KNOW how big Madonna is?! Did he LIVE through the 80s?! Ummm as nearly 80 himself, pretty certain he did.

Joe the Plumber

Thursday, October 16 4:30pm Dear Diary, Went on the Today Show and discussed Joe the Plumber. After sleeping on the issue last night, have decided that Joe the Plumber can’t be a real plumber. He makes too much money! No plumber that I know makes that much money. And who knows if his name is really Joe! It takes a regular guy to pull off the name Joe. A “Joe Six-Pack,” if I may. Looking forward to bringing back Joe Six-Pack and comparing that to self. Hopefully can make self out to be strong, as six-packs can describe stomach muscles, not necessarily a way to package beer. Also did best to call McCain out for smearing Barack and me without sounding bitter. Am going on the Jay Leno show tonight… Will discuss that in tomorrow’s diary entry, as he has a very late night show – even for a Joe Six-Pack like me. Also heard that McCain will be on David Letterman at same time… Can’t wait to see that. Until next time, Joe Six-Pack

Barack's Faults

Thursday, October 16 5:15pm Dear Diary, After much decision, have completed the list of Barack’s faults. After all, he did say in the second debate that I had a list of his faults. And Jon Stewart asked for it later. Was able to overcome fact that I didn’t have list yet with simple comedy. But I’m now realizing how useful this list could be. because I’m working on being a supportive wife and hopefully First Lady, I have shortened the list from ten faults to five. So here is the Top Five List of Barack’s faults: 1. Barack uses the words “hope” and “change” too much in his campaign. It’s called a thesaurus. Use it. Still, they’re less annoying than maverick. 2. Barack can be too nice. Honestly, he couldn’t say one mean thing about Palin during the 3rd debate? Even her supporters can come up with something. 3. Barack has yet to bring up how I would make a better Vice-President than Sarah Palin. 4.

We're On Our Way!

Wednesday, October 15 11:54pm Dear Diary, Well, the polls are in, and Barack has won the debate. Good for him. Was concerned at the beginning when McCain came off so strong. But we all knew he couldn’t last that long. Besides, it’s past his bedtime anyway. However, I must comment about Joe the Plumber. Who is he? Yes, there are pictures online, and Fox News blew this story out of proportion. But why didn’t they stick with Joe Six-Pack? I liked that. I am a Joe Six-Pack, which helped me to show voters that I understand them. Am working out a way to relate to plumbers to self. Possible explanation: I will go through the White House and fix all the leaks where the Bush Administration has gone wrong. Explanation still in the works… Need to make sure that this doesn’t become a Biden-ism. Really insulted with the way McCain attacked me. I thought we were friends! I always called him a friend. But he really went after me.

Post-debate Perspective

Wednesday, October 15 11:58pm Dear Diary, Just arrived home from debate, and I have very mixed feelings. First of all, who does John McCain think he is?! He didn’t remember my name??? I am Michelle Obama! And don’t you forget it, John. Furthermore, how dare he put the health of a woman in air quotes?! Lord knows he would never mock a man’s health. That probably cost him a large number of votes from women, unless they are pro-life. Never did understand women who’d allow the government to control pregnant women… Am hoping that others picked up on these insults and will vote accordingly. Also, shocking when McCain talked about Sarah Palin’s autistic child. Either he doesn’t care to know enough about the kids of his running mate (which speaks to his vetting process), or he doesn’t have a clue about the difference between autism and down syndrome! Or perhaps this is confirmation that the senility is really setting in. Regardless, my husband had a great debate.


Tuesday, October 14th 9:20am Dear Diary, After conducting some online searches, have discovered with much disappointment that there are “Biden-isms.” Probably just created by a bunch of spiteful arch-conservative Republicans bummed about the fact that we’re winning the election. Still, disappointing to see self compared to Bush. As always, Jill very supportive during this time. Says I have to let this go and just focus on the election. And there’s a debate tomorrow! Looking forward to seeing McCain make a spectacle of himself. Not normally so vindictive, but this is not the old McCain. But really, Jill really has been amazing during this campaign. She’s done a lot with Michelle to help our side. And she’s drop-dead gorgeous!

Expecting the Unexpected

Friday October 14th


Dear Diary,

Am exhausted. Up horrendously late preparing for final debate. Campaign staff seems quite jittery about tomorrow but am not nervous, no sir. Exactly where I wanted to be in the polls. Would you think a maverick would be winning? No, you wouldn’t! You’d expect him to be unexpectedly and inexplicably behind—despite vastly superior political experience and war-hero record—and make amazing last minute underdog comeback despite fact he wasn’t expected to be underdog in the first place. And I have to do exactly what the American People would expect out of a maverick, which is the unexpected.

Explained this to Rick, who started pulling his hair out muttering about circular reasoning. Poor guy must be tired too.

Pre-debate Ponderings

Tuesday, October 14th 9:45am Dear Diary, Was recently sent picture of self with “World’s Biggest Obama Fan.” Wow, I guess so. I, of course, looked short standing next to him. Still, will not allow this to change image of self as a tall woman. After all, tall people are correlated with leadership… Looking forward to debate tomorrow. Barack does look handsome, and in the last debate, he appeared particularly composed. Of course, that was probably just because McCain was pacing up and down the stage. Obviously nervous. Still bizarre that he can’t muster the common decency to look at my husband is unnerving. Have plans to sit with Republican Senator Hagel’s wife, an Obama supporter. Yet another Republican that has switched over! Yay! Must get lots of beauty sleep for tomorrow.