October 2008

Forget First Lady--all hail Queen Cindy!

Friday October 31st


Dear Diary,

Happened across list of possible post-election alternatives for Sarah should our presidential bid not be victorious (heaven forbid!). Decided might not be such a bad idea to consider own backup options, as shock of loss would most likely force John into a home…

1) Rule as Queen of Svalbard, northernmost province of Norway

Pros: Armies of ice-creature minions ready to do bidding

Cons: Lack of feasible options for maintaining year-round sunkissed glow

A Rant on Joe the Plumber

Thursday, October 30 4:30pm Dear Diary, Just heard that McCain got stood up by Joe the Plumber! Hilarious, especially considering the fact that McCain has basically based the last half of his campaign on Joe the Plumber. But who really listens to this guy anyway? He sounds like an idiot, especially since it’s come out that he would do better under our economic plan than McCain’s. And why does the media feel that he deserves so much publicity?! He doesn’t even understand politics, much less what he believes. His ignorant views on Israel make that painstakingly clear. There should be one Joe giving out opinions on politics, and that’s me. I’m beginning to think that the name “Joe” is being abused in this election, especially with Joe the Plumber, Joe Six Pack, and now Joe the Singer. The name Joe deserves some respectable nicknames. Here are my top five suggestions, which I will pitch to David: 1.

Michelle Obama, First Lady

Thursday, October 30 5:15pm Dear Diary, Have begun considering my post-election plans, given the fact I’m a shoe-in as First Lady. I do like the way that sounds: Michelle Obama, First Lady. That would look great on business cards. I’ll have to look into that. But I can’t just be a Laura Bush of First Ladies. I will be seen as an icon, like Eleanor Roosevelt and Jackie Kennedy. My hope is to achieve the same status as they did in their fields: political activism, fashion, and entertainment. I’ve decided to devise a list of ways to gain more publicity and status. Michelle Obama’s Top-Five Strategies for a Successful Term as First Lady 1. More classy outfits. My J. Crew outfit has already garnered much publicity and comparisons to Jackie Kennedy. I can’t get enough of the media spotlight, as long as it’s positive. No more of these fabricated snack-expenditure stories. 2. Influential social programs.

Unethical Conduct in the Republican Party

Tuesday, October 28 11:58pm Dear Diary, Read yesterday that Senator Ted Stevens from Alaska found guilty of unethical conduct. Hilarious that he’s still up for reelection. Gotta feel bad for those responsible voters who already sent in ballots voting for him, even if they are Republican voters. But it seems like these days, Democrats are the ones who are voting early, so I’m hoping this holds true. Maybe the Republicans’ desire for a “moral” leader will inspire them to vote Democratic after this verdict. Slim chance in Alaska, but there’s always the hope. Certainly will be strange if he gets reelected after being convicted. It certainly paints Alaskan of politicians in a bad light, especially after Sarah Palin was found guilty of unethical conduct.

Election Countdown

Tuesday, October 28 5:25pm Dear Diary, Can hardly believe that the election is one week away. After all this campaigning, I’m beginning to feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I really do believe that Barack could win this election, as long as there isn’t some plot to steal the election. Have to admit, I have been concerned about this “Perfect Match” business. After all, it has already disenfranchised so many voters in significant swing states like Florida! And then there are all those voters who were purged from the Colorado voting records by Secretary of State, Mike Coffman. Sure hope they win that lawsuit.

Promotions and Protests

Thursday, October 23 10:30pm Dear Diary, Barack is in Hawaii, which means that we’re down one man in the campaign. Which means that this is the time for me to campaign more forcefully. Since we certainly need to keep up the campaigning in the last 2 weeks, I think it only makes sense for me to get out there. Asked David is I could temporarily take over the campaign trail again to reinforce Barack’s message. The conversation was surprisingly short, and am now wondering if I curtailed it a bit at the end. Me: Hey Dave, I’m thinking it’s time that I really take a stand on the campaign trail, since Barack’s in Hawaii. David: Haven’t you don’t enough already? Me: NEVERRRR!!!!! Still believe the force was necessary, as I am next in line for presidency if Obama should step out, so to speak. Recently read that Karl Rove was attacked by an activist at some mortgage convention.

Campaign Expenditures

Thursday, October 23 11:05pm Dear Diary, I had to deal with all those right-wing bloggers claiming that I’d enjoyed a $447.39 snack consisting of caviar, sparkling wine, lobsters, and other gourmet food. And yet, the most ridiculous part of the whole story is that I wasn’t even staying at that hotel! How desperate do these bloggers have to be? And yet, there’s hardly a peep about the fact that the McCain campaign has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Sarah Palin’s image! $4,000 haircuts and new outfits for $150,000?! It’s amazing that someone doesn’t bring this to the national media’s attention. After all, John Edwards had a $400 haircut, which now pales in comparison to Palin’s new do. And, the people who donated that money should know where it’s going. Really telling how the McCain campaign is willing to fork out this much money for beauty. Shows the world where they see her value.

List of My Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

Thursday, October 23rd 10:18PM

Dear Diary,

Came to realization today that if voters still undecided at this point in election cycle, there is good chance that they are completely unconscious. Will likely be difficult to sway voters if they cannot see handsome face, hear sweet words, or feel inspired by message of hope and change. Have decided instead to utilize innate human characteristic: The Herd Mentality. New campaign slogan: Everyone’s Doing It!

List of Important Endorsements and Voting Bloc Most Likely to be Influenced by Them

Jesus H. Christ wasn’t Jesus HUSSEIN Christ

Tuesday October 21st


Dear Diary,

Many rumors thrown around that opponent is actually Messiah returned to earth in second coming (encouraged by Barack himself, no doubt) Little does Senator Bill-Ayers-BFF realize he is a False Messiah; as Jesus himself predicted, "false Christs and false prophets will arise and will show great signs and wonders, so as to mislead, if possible, even the elect” (Matthew 24:24)

Also little does democratic ticket know I was careful not only to seek out TRUE messiah, but to include her on my ticket…

More Time in the Spotlight

Monday, October 20 11:58pm Dear Diary, Am sad to report that Barack is going to Hawaii to visit his ailing grandmother. Always sad when a member of the family falls ill… And I certainly have had my share of family tragedies, there’s no denying that. So I understand why Barack must suspend his campaign to see his grandmother. Nevertheless, this is a perfect opportunity for me to undergo some more aggressive campaigning. I have already started, with my spiel about the international crisis. It’s perfect. I sound smart and well-educated, and this will make headlines. And I got my name out there! After all, this did happen to Kennedy, another young president. David is upset though. Says this remark will encourage people to vote for McCain in order to avoid this crisis. Hadn’t thought of that… But hey, at least my name is out there! And if this does happen, we could have a second 9/11.

Racism Rekindled

Monday, October 20 10:08pm Dear Diary, Well, Barack’s going to Hawaii. I’m not going with him, so as to stay in the states and possibly take over some of the campaigning. May join him, if things go from bad to worse though. Sasha and Malia are scared, having a hard time imagining life without their Great-Grandma. I think Barack is feeling the same way. So hard to have to deal with this in the middle of the campaign. But perhaps it will bring us closer to the American people. Not to sound insensitive, but to reiterate that we experience the same issues they do. Can’t say I’m surprised that Colin Powell is supporting Barack. He’s a sensible man. Understands good politics. And probably is trying to restore his image. But it’s pretty low campaign advisors, Rush Limbaugh, and others to assume that Powell is doing this for race-related reasons. If that were the case, he would have declared his support for Barack LONG ago. Powell’s basis is for four main reasons: 1.

Facebook stalking? Real mature, New York Times

October 19th, 2008 8:13PM Dear Diary, AM FED UP!!! Will never rag on John again for incessant complaints about liberal media elite. Usually give media benefit of the doubt—mostly due to love for celeb gossip—but yesterday’s New York Times drew line in sand then walked right over it. First of all, Times sank to unprecedented low: using Facebook information to email 16-year-old high school classmate of daughter Bridget soliciting information for article. Really, New York Times, Facebook stalking is new level of journalistic integrity? Entire article sensationalist and quite false. They say J and I spent much time apart like it’s a bad thing. Hasn’t the Times ever heard absence makes heart grow fonder?

Don’t worry, Tina—WHEN I become president, I’ll gladly send you to Mars (you too, Colin)

October 19th, 2008

1:43 PM

Dear Diary,

As not a debate night, was unable to force self to stay up late enough to see Governor Palin on Saturday Night Live. Luckily (or unluckily) Daughter Meghan said nearly every website on internets posted video, and was able to pull one up for me this morning.