President Barack Obama's re-election campaign is in full swing. In an effort to raise funds and make his presence known to a region of the nation that, let's face it, pretty much acts like its own, independent country most of the time, Mr. Obama spent a few days touring the west coast. This is a review of his experiences in California, Washington and the non-coastal but still fairly wealthy state of Colorado.
The first stop in the President's western tour was Seattle where he gave a speech at the Paramount Theatre. The event was well attended and followed by a show of traditional Seattle hospitality. Making like the locals, Mr. Obama drank an especially flowery beer and a cocktail made of local gin and Dry Soda, ascended a brutal hill while buzzed, ate some Thai food and struggled to start a conversation with strangers until everyone was sufficiently drunk and Serenity started playing on the bar TV.
Mountain View, California
The President arrived in the town most famous for serving as the headquarters for Internet giant Google and attended a forum at the Computer History Museum. The liaison from Google arrived fashionably late in a gilded palanquin being carried by robot slaves who smelled of fresh roses and sang a perfect pitch rendition of "Hail To The Chief" for their guest. The liaison begged forgiveness from Mr. Obama for his tardiness on account of it being Free Massage and Fresh Crepe Day at the Google offices. He explained that he much prefers Free Massage and Fresh Crepe Day to its name in the barbaric lands outside Mountain View: Monday. The liaison asked if the President intended on staying in town until Supermodel of Your Preferred Gender Rubs Lotion into Your Feet Day or if he had pressing business elsewhere. Mr. Obama regrettably refused another day in Mountain View and asked how Google is prospering so lavishly while the rest of the nation struggles. The liaison pointed out that most of the businesses in the nation aren't synonymous with the most important technology on the planet, the President nodded and the meeting was adjourned.
Los Angeles, California
On Monday evening, the President attended an exclusive fundraiser organized by celebrities in the Melrose neighborhood of Los Angeles. As is the local custom, Mr. Obama dined on overpriced fusion food that, while neither logical nor satisfying, was nonetheless refreshing. Then a number of people who are paid to look pretty made ill-informed statements about politics, such as when Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson called the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal "the signature civil rights accomplishment of our time" in a state that is unique in that its same-sex marriage policy is legislatively regressive.
The President spent most of Tuesday in a state of hypoxic euphoria during which a series of unscheduled heart-to-heart conversations with locals may have unintentionally bolstered his chances of commanding the vote in this key swing state.