Children! Children! Your attention, please. Now, I've told you time and time again what would happen if you didn't do your homework to my satisfaction and now I'm afraid I'm going to have to follow through on those threats. You have all had ample time to complete your assignment on the national debt and I see that none of you have done the work to the best of your abilities. I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to cancel recess for all of you.
I know what you must be thinking. "Oh, Mr. Obama is so unfair! He's just some jerk President who doesn't understand!" Well, let me tell you something, children: I used to be where you are. Yes, I used to be a Congressman, too. And ya know what? I didn't get to the position I'm in today by slacking off and not working to reach important compromises. I know this stuff isn't easy, but it's necessary. We aren't entitled to recess, we earn recess.
So, if you ever want to go down the slide at Martha's Vineyard again, Harry Reid, you're going to have to come to the table with some realistic concessions about spending cuts and not just some untenable plan to raise the debt ceiling. I mean, come on, we covered that on page 23 of your textbook. And I'd wipe that self-satisfied smirk off your face, Mr. Boehner. You think your grades aren't suffering just as much for your lack of real effort? You, young man, need to learn that spouting hyperbole about your opponents in press conferences and ignoring the severe imbalances in the tax code won't get you very far in life. You think about that while you and your Republican friends are hammering out a worthwhile budget plan instead of playing tag in the old football field.
And you, Timmy Geithner. I'm not even angry with you. No, Mister Man, I'm just disappointed. When you first set foot in my administration I heard nothing but good things from your former teachers. I was counting on you to be a good example for the rest of the politicians. Well, suffice it to say you haven't really stepped up to that task, not that it wasn't well within your talents. And now that things have gotten especially rough, what's your solution? Running away? Scared, incompetent and irresponsible is no way to go through life, Mr. Geithner.
So, now that the lot of you know how serious this assignment is, maybe you'll put some real effort into it. Believe me, it doesn't make me happy to take away your recess. I'm not doing this out of spite, I'm doing this because it's for the best. It may seem unfair right now, but you'll understand when you're older. Heck, you might even thank me for it. Now, get to work. I want to see this whole debt assignment finished and legible by the end of next week.