Please Help, America

Please Help, America

We're all aware that now is a time of great need and of great struggle. There are those in the Congress who oppose actions that would save this country from an economic catastrophe. They are motivated purely by political gain from the misfortune of others and have made a habit of ignoring the needs of the American people. That's why I'm entreating you, the American public, the voters, to contact your representatives and encourage them to do what's right. We need to raise this debt ceiling, make difficult spending cuts and increase revenue by adjusting tax rates for the wealthiest among us. Make your voice heard. Write, call, email, tweet. Do whatever is necessary. And while you're at it, there are some other things the government could use some help with. If you're interested in participating in the management of your nation, here are some things you can do.

America used to be on the cutting edge of science and technology. Those things have recently fallen by the wayside and it's hurting our long-term economic prospects. That's why I, the President of the United States, am entreating you citizens to start being better at science. Really. I think you guys should study more and start applying yourselves to those disciplines. I know that government funding for research and development isn't what it could be and that things are likely to get a lot tighter for the next couple decades in that regard, but I think you can figure something out.

I mean, America still has a significant portion of the wealth in the world, so maybe private entities could just start funding scientific research so the government doesn't have to do it. Just think of what could be accomplished in the fields of medical research, structural engineering, alternative fuel development and transit design if everyone who pays for a mansion moved into a respectable apartment and used the money they save to fund scientific research. Everyone knows real estate is still a financial wasteland anyway.

And since the public school system is getting worse every year, perhaps all those people who buy ridiculously expensive cars and pay $300 for a pair of sunglasses could be more frugal in their own lives and use the savings to create a system of affordable private schools that rely on innovation and excellence. Let's be honest here, the government on both the national and state levels has proven itself pretty incompetent when it comes to instructional design, so maybe we ought to just butt out of that sector.

Because, look, I know a thing or two about government. I do this crap every day and I've come to the conclusion that the government isn't good at, well, doing things. We're really better at monitoring and funding things, which isn't to say we're actually good at that stuff either, just not as atrocious as we are at getting things done. I know the Republicans like to say they're the party that believes in the private sector, but that's not really true anymore. They've done more to increase the size of the government than the Democrats in the past decade and their spending projects (the military, drug enforcement, anti-gay legislation) are all incredibly expensive compared to Democratic initiatives.

But I'll be totally up front with you all: Voting for Democrats won't do much to shrink the size of the government or improve social programs and science education/application in America, either. You're really better off just doing this stuff yourselves and holding one another accountable because, as you can probably tell, your government has more or less fallen into a pattern of meaningless squabbles and interminable stand-stills. I'm entreating you, not just as a leader but as a man who knows how government works, to please take matters into your own hands. We, the government, just can't handle this stuff anymore.