Obama 2012 Campaign Office

Obama 2012 Campaign Office

No one was surprised when President Barack Obama announced his bid for re-election. His current term has been busy, controversial and in many ways productive. Though President Obama has quite the edge over his potential Republican opponents thanks to the preference for the incumbent and a lack of a clear frontrunner on the Right, his campaign leaders are taking their jobs seriously. They recently moved into their headquarters, a 50,000 square foot office in a high rise in downtown Chicago. It may seem like an unassuming workplace, but Obama 2012 HQ is a state-of-the-art facility, collecting some of the sharpest minds and most impressive technology in modern politics to ensure that the President remains sitting. Here are some of the key features of so-called Central Hope Control.

The entrance to CHC is guarded by a Japanese-designed security robot that hangs from the ceiling and is roughly the size of a human head. It monitors the lobby of the building and goes into Active mode when the elevator approaches the floor on which the office resides. Anyone who wishes to enter the office must submit to a full facial scan as well as a non-invasive DNA analysis using organic particles found in a single breath. Only authorized personnel may enter. The robot speaks 20 languages, is bullet proof and is armed with a series of non-lethal peacekeeping implements such as knockout gas, a Taser and a micro-fiber lasso.

For the comfort and enjoyment of all CHC employees, the break room has been retrofitted as a "gentleperson's lounge". It is appointed with reclining pleather chairs (so as not to offend any vegetarian or vegan employees), a selection of current magazines and classic novels, soft lighting and tasteful art on loan from various Chicago museums. It is staffed with foot care specialists who offer pedicures and massages, as well as a barber who provides complimentary hot towel shaves. An automated cafe kiosk provides a variety of coffees, teas and other non-alcoholic beverages.

In the middle of the CHC in a sunken recess, the 15-foot wide, 10-foot high Hope-o-Graph charts the fluctuating levels of hope around the world in real time. The three-dimensional, color-coded map is essential to pointing the CHC staff toward key regions that need Barack Obama's attention, as determined by a complex Hope and Change algorithm. A team consisting of former NASA scientists and recent MIT grads applies the algorithm to the stunning complexity of each individual hot-spot of Hope, extrapolating its projected run-off relative to its distance from low-pressure areas of required Change and ultimately determining if indeed We Can.

The CHC spokesman has indicated that more remarkable features are in the works for the facility. When asked if such an elaborate setup was even necessary for the President's sure-thing re-election bid, the spokesman simply took a sip of his iced chai latte and muttered something in a language that may have been Czech or some other Slavic dialect. The security robot could be heard chuckling from the next room.