I knew I'd be getting grief from my so-called political opponents for spending a few days in Martha's Vineyard this month. I mean, it's not like I've been working my ass off on little to no sleep for the entire summer thanks to the GOP's thoroughly manufactured "debt crisis" malarkey. These people have been waging war on me to the detriment of the entire nation and now they're just trying to wear me down by disturbing my latest attempt to actually get some rest. Not that their attacks are all that effective. Donald Trump, if anyone ever listens to that jerk anymore, insists that I take more vacations than anyone he's ever heard of. Apparently he was in a coma for the entire G.W. Bush presidency. You know, the guy who took over 100 days of vacation in three years as President, the guy who remained on vacation while New Orleans drowned? And Mitt Romney... he's having a grand old time trying to negotiate the gaffe minefield I've set up for him by vacationing in his home state. Good luck with that one, you life-size Ken doll. The joke's on them, though, because I'm not really on vacation. No, I've got bigger things up my sleeve.
The key is in the code words. I gotta say, I've been having a blast with the Secret Service now that I've learned all this spy talk stuff. For example, when I suggest that we "go out for Chinese" I don't mean that Michelle, the kids and I pop down to Bamboo Garden for dinner. What I actually mean is that I'd like to set up a meeting with the ambassador from the People's Republic to discuss some long-term trade agreements that have been delayed thanks to all the theatrics in Washington.
And when I say, "Today I'm just gonna kick back and watch the game" what I actually mean is that I'm going to make a surprise visit to the CIA field office in Boston to tackle some corruption and fiscal waste that has been costing tax payers millions of dollars a year. "The Game" as in "international intelligence affairs" and "kick back" as in "under-the-table kickbacks that are the dictionary definition of misappropriation of funds". Get it?
Oh, and when I say, "Michelle and I could use a little alone time" it's code for interrogating suspected terrorists, Iranian spies and captured cartel leaders. To be honest, the wife isn't too keen on that particular misdirection. Truth is, she and I haven't exactly been the most intimate of couples this past year. To make matters worse, she doesn't know if I'm being literal or using the code until she sees me set the cattle prod from "tease" to "electrocute". The disappointment in her eyes, it's the hardest part.
These are just a few of my new codes. I've got a whole book of 'em now. Every President worth his salt has had one. Legend has it that Thomas Jefferson was the first to implement the system. Hell, the name "Martha's Vineyard" was his idea. Sure, he gave the credit to some explorer from the 17th century, but history books were pretty easy to alter back then. He'd conduct some pretty high-level foreign affairs here, pretending to enjoy America's fledgling wine industry. So, I'm no more on vacation than Jefferson was in those candle-lit, clandestine days. In fact, I'm getting more done than I ever do back in Washington.