Fire Sale: The U.S. as a House

Fire Sale: The U.S. as a House

Hint: This is a metaphor.

Hello! Welcome to my home, the United States. Sorry about the wall outside, but we were worried that if we put a gate in it just anyone would come over and we couldn’t have that! Every once in awhile we have people try to get over the wall. We have them work in the yard for awhile and then send them back. It’s the least they can do after coming over here!

Anyway, come on in. Yeah, the place looks pretty good. We just did some redecorating, more of a light and friendly environment now, ya know? Well, it’s mostly my wife’s doing. She likes making people feel welcome in our home. Me, I’m more unilateral. Did I say that? I meant utilitarian. I believe a house should be making something for me, not just sitting there.

Just between you and me, we’re mortgaged to the hilt and in debt up to our eyeballs, but you know, who isn’t, right? Some of those houses across the lake, Iceland, Greece, Italy, those folks are in bad shape. Can’t even pay their debts anymore. Thank God for our credit card!

Where are the kids? Oh, they’re around here somewhere. They’re all looking for work right now. Oh you know kids, they whine and complain unless they’re given everything. My wife wants to just give them some money to get over the hump, but that’s not how I parent. You know? If a kid is struggling, you need to give his richer friends money. Once they see how great their friends’ lives are, they’ll get off their butts and work. That’s what I say.

So, this is the livingroom. We keep the really valuable stuff in that cabinet over there. Gotta be under lock and key, ya know? You don’t want the kids getting a hold of it. The furniture and carpet are getting pretty dingy, and we’ll need to replace those eventually. I figure, ya know, if we just wait for the next big storm and it gets ruined then insurance will probably pay for it.

Oh that? That’s the chapel. Yeah, we actually put a chapel in our house. Well, it’s important for the kids to be exposed to the one true God. Why? Well that’s the way this house was built goddamit, and they’re gone get religion! Sorry, when the subject turns to faith I just get all worked up. The wife rarely comes in here, but I like to come in here and premeditate…err…meditate…err…pray. Yeah, pray. Anyway, come out here on the deck.

Wow, beautiful day. I hardly get out enough to enjoy the weather anymore. What? Oh, that? Yeah, that’s an oil rig. Yup, put an oil rig right in the backyard. Well, like I said, if the property isn’t making me money, what good is it? I dunno, my wife was pissed. Said it ruined the landscaping and scares the birds away. Me? I like the sound of it, kind of a soothing ka-chung, ka-chung when you’re trying to get to sleep at night.

Anyway, let’s head back in. I’m not sure those fumes are healthy. Yeah, that’s the kitchen over there. No, let’s not go in there. Well, the wife is in there and she’s cooking something up that I’m sure I’m not going to approve of. Oh I don’t even know why anymore, we just been bickering so long it’s like second nature. You might say the state of our union isn't good, and just between you and me, I think she's seeing a black guy. Couple’s therapy?! Ha! You been smoking some of that wacky tobaccy, haven’t ya! No, I wanna show you something over here.

This here’s the study. Yeah, the kids do their learning in here. Oh, him? That’s my educational consultant. A tutor? No, I’d never waste money on a tutor. Those kids know how to learn stuff, I just need to make sure they did it. Yeah, the consultant does that, tests them and stuff. Yeah, I tried making the chapel the study too but the wife had a conniption fit. Something about separation of God and school, I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening.

Anyway, so that’s the house. What do you think? Well, I’m asking 40 trillion, but I’d go lower if there was a nice compensation package included. Maybe a nice beachside bungalow off of a pro golf course? Maybe 51% holdings in some promising little tech company I can outsource later? Whadda ya say? Naw, I’m not bringing the wife or kids. So what do you say? Tell you what, I’ll throw in the nukes…


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