Let's talk about verifying my birth certificate. No, really, let's do that. Let's raise a stink over a non-issue despite it being confirmed time and again by official sources that I was indeed born in the United States and am not, as some have suggested, a foreign national with devious plans to undermine the American government for some sinister, unknown purpose. Yes, let's do that instead of giving comprehensive news coverage to the nuances of the ongoing budget debate so the American people can be properly informed about everything from the contentious tax code to the effect certain bills will have on the way health care is run in this country. Let's just dive right into the media sewer, shall we?

Here's an idea: Why don't we devote another hour to a cable news debate about the viability of Donald Trump as the Republican presidential nominee? Why don't we send all of the serious news agencies out to another one of Trump's pointless press conferences so he can spout yet more nonsense into a microphone for all the world to dismiss as ignorant quackery and/or a desperate bid for attention? While we're at it, why don't we all join Trump's vitamin-selling pyramid scheme under the misapprehension that IT'S GOING TO MAKE US ALL MILLIONAIRES?!?

Yes, let's do that instead of putting together a thoughtful piece of news journalism about the implications of my recent decision to finally oust Bush's defense secretary Robert Gates and replace him with CIA Director Leon Panetta, then fill Panetta's seat with decorated General David Patraeus? It's not as if the American people really need to know who their leaders are, how they're qualified for their positions and what my intent as their President is behind these appointments. No, it's not important that this is actually a significant and rather elegant step toward both scaling back the U.S. involvement in Afghanistan by giving more responsibility to a man who successfully negotiated with Iraqi forces during their de-escalation process and reducing the CIA's ridiculous budget that is, yet again, a disastrous hold-over from the Bush years. Nobody will care about that stuff.

No, people would rather talk about my father and my college record and my religious beliefs. They would rather I show up on Oprah to tell committee-approved jokes and look like a nice, all-American guy instead of fitting more pressing business into my already impossible schedule. Because I'm apparently not the President, I just play him on TV.

And while we're at it, we might as well put Sarah Palin on the docket for 1000 more hours of media ubiquity despite her complete lack of relevancy to anything that's actually newsworthy. Yeah, because that's what the GOP does now. Instead of aiming for real politics, they just parade around a bunch of people who have no business being leaders in the hope that the American people will be so sick of politics that they won't even pay attention when big, horrible things happen in Congress. This has become my job. Hell, this has always been my job.