Advice From a Pardoned Turkey

Advice From a Pardoned Turkey

First of all, Mr. President, I want to thank you for granting me a stay of execution on this holiday which is traditionally so brutal to my kind. Though I can't say I look forward to the fear and violence visited upon turkeys every Thanksgiving, I am willing to admit that I understand why your species descends upon mine each year. We are a delicious race, proud of our glorious, two-tone meat and accepted superiority to chicken. Also, we are by and large a cruel and ignorant variety of fowl. I must confess, I prefer not to keep the company of my own kind, aggressive and unintelligent as they are. Were turkeys to rule the planet, I fear that our atrocities would dwarf those of man. I will do my level best to earn the pardon you have bestowed upon me. My first act as a free, peaceful turkey shall be to impart some advice to you, President Obama, on this day of giving thanks.

I didn't originally intend to do this. I was going to just take my pardon with silent dignity and live simply for the rest of my days. But then I saw the news about the mess in Korea and I knew I had to speak while I had the chance. The truth, sad as it is, is that nobody can really stop the divided Korea from waging more pointless war with itself. You've seen the missile parades in the North and the sabre-rattling naval exercises in the South. We would like to think that influential powers like the United States and China could somehow bring those tensions down, but I fear any action would only be a stall.

What you can do, Mr. President, is refuse to entangle your country in yet another armed conflict that can only end badly for all parties involved. Let us not forget that Korea was where America first lost its righteousness in war. This nation was not defending itself or making the world safe from fascists, it was projecting its power and getting its young men in uniform slaughtered meaninglessly. Going back to Korea with American guns will only be repeating history.

Just like you have decided to refrain from killing me despite how delicious and justified it might seem to do so, I ask you to show the same restraint in your approach to the current conflict in Korea. Your youths have been dying in West Asia for a decade now. Is there really anything to be gained from sending them into a costly, conventional war in the East?

Also consider your potential enemy. North Korea is not truly a danger to the United States. Its aging military is populated by malnourished, poorly trained soldiers and equipped with cut-rate hardware. Their missile tests have been public failures and their government even got caught manipulating images to make their arsenal seem bigger than it really was. You don't have a prospective empire on your hands, just a suicidal regime that has begun to tie its own noose. Please don't send American troops just to help kick the chair away.

On this holiday, Americans have a lot to be thankful for. They should be thankful that Canada doesn't shell border states. They should be thankful that the biggest concern about Mexico is that it's full of people who want to seek honest labor in America. They should be thankful that the only thing standing in the way of their visiting relatives on the other side of the country is a TSA scanner that captures a vague image of their junk. Mr. President, do the right thing and make your people thankful that they have a leader who won't jump into a war nobody wants.